- Before I had children, I was an editor at Parenting magazine and shared parenting advice.
- I thought I was ready to become a mother and used the techniques that the experts shared in our magazine.
- My kids didn’t respond to them, and that’s okay because all kids are different.
Before I had kids, I was an editor at Parenting magazine, where I gave expert-backed advice on sleep training, potty training and using training wheels on bikes. So when I had my first child in 2014, I thought I was well trained.
A couple of years later, I became editor-in-chief of Working Mother magazine – and a mother of two. Now that my sons are 6 and 10 years old, I can safely say that the advice I printed on those pages has helped me quite a bit in successfully parenting my sons.
Parenting is not that simple
For example, we gave an oft-repeated piece of advice in Parenting. “If your child has trouble choosing what he wants, or you need him to do something he refuses to do, give your child two choices you can live with. They will happily choose one because they will feel like them”. you’re in control without being overwhelmed.” So I felt like a genius when I pulled this old trick on my then-preschooler, who wouldn’t choose a restaurant meal.
“OK, you get to decide,” I told my 3-year-old, making sure he felt like he was in the driver’s seat. “Do you want chicken nuggets or mac and cheese?” I envisioned being met with a broad smile and great joy at having a mother so skilled in child psychology, followed by a final choice and contented peace.
The reality was much different. And loudly.
“None of these!” – shouted my son. Wailing and screaming followed. We had to cool off with a walk outside.
I have tried this trick many other times on both children. After all, I promised others it would work. “Want to bring a pretend ice cube or an Indiana state magnet for the first day of show and tell?” “Do you want to wear your green or black jacket?” “Want to get into daycare or fingertip?”
“None of these!” “None of these!” “None of these! (I had to suppress the urge to squeeze in a grammar lesson: “You don’t mean any of these.”)
My kids did the opposite of what I thought they would do
As the kids got older, I imparted wisdom culled from magazines, like telling them, “We don’t talk about other people’s bodies.” My oldest would probably end up being one of the good guys, given how often we discussed this.
On the last day of summer camp, a director called to say that my 10-year-old was part of a group of boys who told a girl he was going to break the trampoline because it was too big. Cue my shock and horror. My fat former self couldn’t look at my son that night—probably not the most successful parenting strategy either.
We have given our children chores, as I have always written parents should do. The idea is to foster accountability and instill trust. Instead, there are weekly screaming matches about taking out the trash. Anger about child labor subsides more quickly when I add my firstborn’s allowance. We’ve gone from a dollar for littering to $5. I’m sure an expert I’ve quoted in articles would tell me I’m teaching my kids to feel bad when they fail. I’m also sure they’ve never seen the depths of destruction my 5’1 tween is capable of when he doesn’t want to do something for free.
Children can sometimes inhale
Now that I’m a decade into parenting, and not just a parenting editor, I know that at least some of that is to be expected—and at least some of that isn’t my fault. Every child sucks a little. And some kids (like mine) can suck a lot.
But my children are not me, nor are they always a reflection of my parenting. They sometimes cannot control their foolish impulses. Not everything I teach them sinks in. Besides, not every piece of advice in parenting magazines applies to every child anyway. Plus, parenting advice is more likely to work in a vacuum, not in a desperate moment when a parent has to do whatever it takes to calm their child down.
So I’m focusing on small wins. We have had great parent-teacher conferences recently. My children are usually kind to their classmates and try to be helpful. If our children are progressing towards being helpful more than they are hurting, then we parents are doing something right. Even if we don’t feel like the success figures of magazine editors like me led us to believe that we can.